


the way you looked at me

by Layni1771



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - District 9 Inspired, Blood and Violence, Emotional Hurt, Family Dynamics, Fights, Flashbacks, Gen, Gore, Graphic Description of Corpses, Hwang Hyunjin-centric, I'm Bad At Tagging, I'm Sorry, Lee Felix is the Sun, M/M, Mental Instability, Murder, Non-Consensual Drug Use, Plot Twists, Polyamory, Romance, Seo Changbin is the Moon, Stabbing, Tragedy, Unhealthy Relationships, Vomiting, almost hunger games-esque, but not really, change my mind, this is...something
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-15
Updated: 2018-10-15
Packaged: 2019-08-02 15:32:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,438
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16307858
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Layni1771/pseuds/Layni1771
Summary: "Hyung, Changbin hyung can't save you," He says, "Please calm down. This isn't good for any of us."Jeongin nervously glances at the camera in the corner of the room. Its red light blinks unfailingly. Recording, like always."They off the crazy ones on their own, Jinnie," Chan presses his lips to Hyunjin's ear, speaking as directly and quietly as he can, "You need to fight."





	the way you looked at me

**Author's Note:**

> I can't remember much of what I was thinking when I wrote this beyond wanting to try my hand at writing fight scenes. I don't expect this to do so well kdfgdfjgh but it was fun to write. I hope you enjoy (?) and feel free to leave a comment~  
> Please excuse any errors as this isn't proofread! Please take note of everything written in the tags in case it's too heavy/graphic for you.

With burning muscles and aching lungs, Hyunjin drives the knife deep into the tender flesh of the girl's breast.

She cries out, but it sounds more angry than pained. Her defiant eyes meet his as he slowly, slowly pushes it deeper. Hyunjin can feel as the blade cuts through fat and muscle, scraping against bone, making his face twitch just slightly. The girl catches this and smirks a Cheshire cat's grin. She is already bleeding out, it really does not matter if he puts this knife through her heart, but he is determined to do it, the same way she is determined to stay in his memories. She is surprisingly effective- Hyunjin knows he will not forget those intense green eyes for months to come, assuming he lasts that long. Blood drips from his nose onto her tanned skin, and it burns him as it runs down his face. Beads of sweat do the same, and she blinks when one lands in her eye. He thinks she must be half-foreign, otherwise those irises would not be such a light color, nor would her skin be this dark. The heat clings to his body uncomfortably, and he feels his shirt sticking to the painful open wound in his abdomen. It makes him a little sick.

Hyunjin inhales sharply and with the narrowing of his eyes, he tightens his shoulders and shoves all of his body weight into the knife.

He watches the defiance fade with her soul, and promptly pukes on the corpse. Hyunjin slumps over the stranger's body and trembles, smearing his face into his own vomit. Insects fly around the two of them, buzzing loudly and tickling over his sticky skin. He is panting, saliva dripping from his parted lips. Moans dribble the same way, and he hardly has the energy to swing his leg over her so he can collapse to the dirt, laying on his back. He bleeds, and with little concern a dirty hand presses against the injury just above his right hip. Sharp pain lights his nerves and Hyunjin opens his blurry eyes to look at the red staining his palm. It's both his and the stranger's, but he really couldn't care less. Victory tastes like iron and stomach acid and salt and he grins, running that same bloodied hand through his matted hair. His chest heaves with the labored breaths that have yet to cease, and he gazes at the bright sun above him. It's blinding, making his eyes water and pound.

"Another one down, Felix," He speaks to the sun. Hyunjin's voice is rough even to his own ears, his throat has this terribly sharp burn as he says these words, but what doesn't hurt? His laugh breaks partway through, yet Hyunjin does not mind. Instead, he forces his exhausted body up- First to his knees, and then his feet. They're unsteady beneath his breaking body, and he wobbles as he bends down to rip the knife from the dead child. She must have been about his age, they all are, so she was just that- A child. He doesn't bother wiping it clean before shoving through his belt loop. Hyunjin blows his bangs from his eyes, yanks the bag from her broken body without even looking at the contents, and aims a final kick at her ribs- He hears the heel of his boot crack a few ribs.

Just a while from now, she will be bloated and ugly, and still very much dead.

Hyunjin's eyes look straight ahead as he leaves the area, but he is ever-conscious of every sound and every possible movement. He does not want to be caught off-guard or it could cost him his life. It's not like that would be the biggest shame in the world, but he has people waiting for him. He refuses to be like the others, and so he stumbles, feet all sorts of twisted beneath him. Each step takes significantly more effort than the last, but Hyunjin has an infinite amount of reserves for energy when he needs to _go home_.

The blood all over his front is sticky but the vomit on his face is all dried now, the scent sharp on his nose and tightening his skin in gross and awkward bunches. He can still feel some of it in his mouth, but spitting it out is asking to leave a trail and swallowing it might make him puke again, so he allows it to rest there. Hyunjin can ignore it until he feels safe. So he lets the sun beat down on his back and shoulders, darkening his skin, perhaps burning it.

But Felix would never hurt him, right? He glances at the sun again and a dry sob bursts from his cracked lips.

"'Lix, please baby," Hyunjin pants, pressing his hands against his face. His cheekbones are sharp beneath them, "Don't make this harder than it already is."

Naturally, Felix does not reply. He's used to it, but it doesn't make him feel any better as he collapses against the front door. He knocks his fist once, pauses, and then four times. Hyunjin counts to ten and knocks three more times. He then counts to two and knocks one more time. The door opens just a bit and the weight of Hyunjin's body pushes it open the rest of the way. He tumbles into Jisung's arms, and the younger's grip is surprisingly strong as he holds the both of them up. Jisung grunts into his ear, and he shivers at it. It feels gross but Hyunjin supposes he feels grosser because of all the blood, sweat, and puke covering him head-to-toe. His friend drags him in the rest of the way, kicking the door shut behind them. From the corner of his eye, he sees someone else dart forward to flip the locks. The room spins so he shuts his eyes even as he is shifted so his weight is being distributed between two people. The scent of eucalyptus stings his nostrils sharply, and he rubs his head against Woojin's. He tries to mumble something but the older shushes him and he falls quiet.

They rest his crooked body on a stiff cot. His tongue is heavy and he rolls from his side to his back, aggravating the scrapes and bruises that rest there. A steady hum finds his ears, but he can't tell if it's from inside his own head or if it's Woojin or maybe even Jisung. Cold fingertips, wet with water trace through the grime on his forehead. It's soothing, but behind his closed lids he sees defiant green eyes mix with terrified brown ones and when someone touches the wound on his side there is a bright burst of pain and he slips into unconsciousness.

_The winter is harsh on them, as always. It's cold and makes Hyunjin's weary joints stiff. He's been doing this for far too long. Old bone breaks ache in this sort of weather, and he hates the way the dark red blood shines even more as it melts through the shining white snow. It creates a sickening pattern, but at the same time it's easier to clean up in it before returning home. However, this winter is even harsher than others, the nonstop storms making it harder and harder to go out and hunt for the others. It's impossible to rack up kills if there is no one out, or if they are out it's impossible to see them. Hyunjin hates that, so much, and he squeezes Changbin's hand as they trek through the snow, trying to find their way back._

_"Hyung, do you think anyone else found a match today?" He asks curiously, looking at the older. Changbin's dark hair is covered in snowflakes and Hyunjin giggles, pinching a few between his fingers and watching them melt._

_"We better hope so, or we're going to starve soon," He replies with a shrug. It's casual but the tenseness of his jaw tells a different story. Unfettered, Hyunjin tugs on their intertwined hands so they come to a complete stop. Hyunjin gently grasps Changbin's chin and tilts his head up so he can lean down, pressing their lips together. They're so cold that the skin is stiff, perhaps a little waxy. But it tastes like cold sweat and the mint of the elder boy's toothpaste and he smiles as he pulls back, resting their foreheads together. His eyes slip shut and he feels Changbin grip his clothes, pulling him down at the same time the other stands on the tips of his toes, and he laughs at the soft kisses the teenager lays on his eyelids. He feels his warm breath hovering just over his forehead, "Try not to worry too much Hyunjin. You can trust us hyungs to take care of everything."_

_"Can I?" He asks, laughing. Changbin pouts a little and pushes him away, but Hyunjin lunges to grab his hand. He laces their fingers together with a smile and his heart soars when he gets a tiny one in return. He kisses their joined hands and it's like he can't even feel the cold when Changbin's music, or what the rest of the world would call laughter, hits his ears. It just makes his whole body warm up from the inside out, and his eyes crinkle at the pink dusting the boy's cheeks. He hums happily and ignores the way his joints creak with each movement as they continue their way home. He's almost certain of the direction they're going, it's nearly instinctual by now. Even if the white blankets everything and obscures his vision, Hyunjin has dragged himself back all alone, missing units of blood and nearing death's door rather than his front one. He is confident they will get home, even though Changbin seems slightly more anxious about it. His sharp eyes ache, though, as he tries to find enemies in the whipping winds. Even with eyes as good as his, it's too hard to search in this weather and he's pointlessly exerting himself._

_It's cold. Very cold, even though it is the middle of the day. Hyunjin swallows and gazes upon Changbin's unique brand of beauty. He can see the goosebumps on the older's skin. If they don't get back soon, in the thin clothes they've got on, they'll probably freeze to death. He would mind that less if_ he _was with them, but he's not so Changbin and Hyunjin need to live. So he sets the smile on his lips even firmer and keeps moving._

_When they find the door and knock- Once, pause, four, ten seconds, three, two seconds, once- Felix swings it opens and welcomes them both home with a kiss as warm as the sun._

Hyunjin wakes up crying, eyes focusing on the moon outside of the window. The scenery only makes him tremble more, and his cries become increasingly louder and fill the small room. The door creaks open but he cannot tear his eyes away from the sight of Changbin, shining roundly in the sky. Loneliness nips at him even as Chan's arms wrap around him. It's comfortable, even comforting, because he has known Chan since he was just a young boy, a child really. His embrace is like sunbathing dry after climbing out of the river on a summer day. It envelops you and your heart is content, but Hyunjin's heart cannot be content. He fights against Chan, feeling every muscle protest, the injuries he has sustained pulling and the healing skin tearing. He sobs, arching his back in an attempt to escape. Chan isn't just trying to make him feel better, he's trying to hold him down, and Hyunjin is familiar with the way his arms are moving.

"No, stop hyung," He gasps. He refuses to be put into a sleeper hold, not right now, he _cannot_ go back to sleep, "St-op it, _stop_ -"

"You need to calm down," Chan murmurs in his ear.

"Chan hyung, you aren't being very fair, he just woke up," Jeongin says from the doorway. Hyunjin whines high in his throat, because he still cannot look away from the window. He gasps in pain as the stitches above his hip finally pop, vision going white with the pain.

"I told you," Chan sighs, and his grip tightens as he wraps his legs around Hyunjin's. However, his arm moves away from the younger's neck and he sobs- Partially in relief, partially from his memory of a dream, and partially from the horrible reality he lives in. It's not fair, any of it, and he sees green eyes staring straight at him again. The elder's hand runs through Hyunjin's hair. It's much cleaner than it was before, so Woojin and Jisung probably untangled and washed it to the best of their ability while he was out. Dead to the world. He wishes so much it could stay that way, but at the same time he wants to _live_ , that's why he does this. The pain is terrible, the throbbing worse with each passing moment. Hyunjin's lips are moving but he doesn't realize he is speaking for far too long.

"Please save me Changbin hyung, please, Changbin hyung, please save me," He's repeating this like it's the only thing he knows how to say and it startles him. The hot tears on his cheeks make him feel sick to his stomach and he tries to push away from Chan again. He feels suffocated, but the leader has been here longer than any of them. He knows how to keep him in place. He locks his gaze on the moon and keeps pleading.

"That enough Hyunjinnie," The whisper is really warm against his ear. He hates it and Chan and shakes his head. A muscle spasms painfully in his neck. Hyunjin hears Jeongin push himself from the doorway and enter the room. His footsteps are familiar, light enough that they aren't making the wooden floors creak like the door does, but he's lived with the younger enough to be able to recognize them. Jeongin temporarily blocks his view of the window, of Changbin outside, and Hyunjin practically snarls. His friend raises his hands in a gesture of peace and kneels down, just to the side. He reaches towards Hyunjin, stroking the swollen, tender flesh of his cheek.

"Hyung, Changbin hyung can't save you," He says, "Please calm down. This isn't good for any of us."

Jeongin nervously glances at the camera in the corner of the room. Its red light blinks unfailingly. Recording, like always.

"They off the crazy ones on their own, Jinnie," Chan presses his lips to Hyunjin's ear, speaking as directly and quietly as he can, "You need to fight."

Hyunjin does not want to fight. He does want to fight. Hyunjin does not want to live. He wants to live. Hyunjin does not want to cry. He wants to cry. The moon seems to pulse brighter in his swollen eyes and he gives into Chan's hold, collapsing heavily despite the way he's failed to even get off the bed. Everything hurts and he can smell the blood that's staining his clothes and the sheets of the cot he is laying on. It's probably staining Chan's clothes too. Hyunjin ignores the pain and shuffles. Chan gives him the room to turn, no matter how painful it is. He feels Changbin staring at him from outside of the window, and he buries his face in Chan's shoulder. Comfortable and comforting as always. Hyunjin's scarred fingers grasp Chan's shirt loosely.

" _I need them_ ," He whispers his confession in a broken voice.

"I know," Chan replies.

"I need Seungmin hyung, and Woojin hyung needs Minho hyung," The youngest's voice sounds much too wise and weary for his age. He doesn't have to continue. Each loss weighs heavily on their group. But there is no way to bring back the dead, and Changbin and Felix have been dead longer than the other two. Hyunjin can only continue on, slowly losing it like the rest of them. This is the next half of the game, he supposes. He's beaten part one, the part where you learn to fight, and then to kill, and then become used to killing. Prideful of it, even. You become attached to the family that raised you. Hyunjin completed this long ago. It's this second part that's scary. The second part is the one where the people you've come to love are killed, because one day everyone here will die. This is an undeniable fact, the honest truth. Where you lose your sanity- This is assuming you didn't do that in the first part because you're _too weak_ to kill without feeling- Because they are gone. And you need to adapt to this new normal, this gaping hole inside of you that grows larger and eats everything that is you away. If you can't, then they kill you before another person can. They are always watching with their damn cameras. You learn to keep it together on the outside while you crumble away on the inside.

Hyunjin thinks of the rock where Felix's brains were all splattered and vomits on himself and Chan. The leader does not even flinch.

"I'll get Woojin hyung," Jeongin says simply. The leader hums while Hyunjin pants, tears clinging to his lashes.

"I don't feel well..." Hyunjin mumbles. Chan's laughter rumbles deep in his chest.

"I couldn't have guessed. Woojin is going to need to check if that nasty stab is infected if you're puking again. Do you feel hot?" He asks, pressing his cheek to Hyunjin's forehead. It feels cool, refreshing. He groans, but it's interrupted by a sudden intake of breath. Chan sighs, "You can cry if you need to. Just don't do it hysterically like that."

And Hyunjin does, mourning his losses as the others come in. They discuss things he can't really hear over his tears, trying to ignore the disgusting scent of the puke all over him and the leader. He cannot forget the way the vicious young girl with bright red scars on her face tangled her long fingers in Felix's soft brown hair- The hair that Hyunjin was obsessed with playing with, that Changbin kissed when they went to sleep- And slammed the precious boy's head into the jagged rock. Hyunjin cannot erase the pained moan that left Felix's lips and reached his ears as Hyunjin struggled against the girl's partner. He knows that he can never erase the way she did it again, and again, and _again_ , until Felix stopped making noises and his skull could be peered into and his brain painted both her and that rock. More than all of that, he can never shut out Felix's terrified eyes that met his from the moment she pinned him, or how their gazes did not part through the whole ordeal until there simply was no person to meet gazes with anymore.

Then Jisung moves him and the pain is too much. Hyunjin embraces the slip away from reality until he realizes that it's going to bring him back to his dreams, his memories. It's already too late.

_"Hyungs," Felix whines, rolling over in their laps. They are sitting on the couch together, Changbin and Hyunjin side-by-side, and Felix laying on their legs. He snuggles his face into Hyunjin's side, and it tickles. He laughs into Changbin's neck and peers down curiously, clinging closer to the older._

_"What, 'Lix?" Changbin asks, trailing his fingers over the boy's hip. Hyunjin can feel him shiver at the light touch and he kisses Changbin's jaw. It's just the three of them home. The other six are out hunting for other matches, Jeongin paired with Seungmin, Woojin paired with Minho, and Chan paired with Jisung. They had caught wind of a fresh batch of opponents, and they were the easiest to take down. They're always unfamiliar with the territory, more often than not have very few skills, and tend to be on the younger side. Easier to scare, easier to kill. It was best to take advantage of the new kids, because they could earn you food and supplies for weeks if your successful match numbers were high. The grittier the kill, the better. Normally the team would only send out one or two pairs unless they were desperate, but opportunities like this are rare. So Jeongin and Seungmin will take the fresh meat out with a long, drawn-out victory. They play, to get more out of the kills. Woojin and Minho make it a dance, taunting them, terrifying them. It ends cleanly, though. Chan and Jisung are quick, violent, horrifyingly so. Hyunjin has paired with the both of them before, and they are nothing but sadistic. This being said, they are also nothing but stone-faced after and can only find comfort in each other._

_So those six are out to hunt and Hyunjin gets to relax with Changbin and Felix. He gets to drown in their unique scents and tangle in their skin and kiss them senseless. Three of his favorite activities, really, and that's why he kisses Changbin's jaw again. The older rolls his eyes but pokes Felix, urging him to continue as Hyunjin keeps repeating the action. The youngest of the three pouts._

_"Stop being all kissy where I can't even reach you, it's not fair," He complains, and lightly bites Hyunjin's stomach._

_"Ouch, Felix," He says but he's all smiles, "Oh come on, don't whine so much. If you want a kiss, just come up here dummy."_

_"I don't wanna, you two are really comfortable. So just stop," Felix insists. This time Changbin snorts._

_"That's a little much, even for you," Hyunjin shifts so he's no longer leaning on him, and Changbin leans forward, wrapping his arms around Felix. The boy coughs and groans like the weight bothers him, but he can see the smile on his beautiful lips just fine. Hyunjin shuts his eyes, trying to memorize the moment. The warmth of the room they are in, paired with the body heat being shared between Changbin, Felix, and himself. Changbin's sharp minty scent, courtesy of the toothpaste he hordes like it's needed to live. Felix's soft cinnamon scent that he gets from, well, Hyunjin isn't sure where but it's been his since the first time they met. He smells like cinnamon and sunshine whereas Changbin smells like mint and the moonlight. He's in love with both, and his head is wrapped in it. He tries to vividly remember the feeling of Felix's breath wetting his shirt, how the small body curls itself towards him. Changbin's thigh pressed firmly against his, all muscle. The sounds of the creaking house they call home and the whispering of the wind through the cracks._

_This moment is theirs and theirs alone._

_Hyunjin opens his eyes, and his heart beats just a little faster when he finds both Changbin and Felix simply smiling at him. Felix's gaze is filled with admiration, the corners of his eyes crinkling and making them a beautiful, almond sliver shape. Changbin's is coated in adoration, his lips pulled thin in his wide, gorgeous smile. His nerves are alight, but not with the ordinary agony. This is something amazingly more pleasant. It's smooth and tastes like rose water- Hyunjin is sure he's had that once, long ago. He swallows and raises his knee so Felix is angled up. His thumb gently brushes the freckles dotted along his cheek. They're stunning to him, and Hyunjin leans down, kissing a particularly prominent one near his eye before he tilts his head, fitting his lips against Felix's tenderly. They move against each other, Felix trying to get impossibly closer from his position. Hyunjin notices the way Changbin grips the younger's hand, helping keep him up. He also notices the way he presses his parted lips against Hyunjin's neck._

_They only part when he knows that Felix needs to breathe, grinning at the younger's struck expression. He runs his fingers through the boy's hair. It's soft, and he rolls the strands between his fingertips. Changbin pulls at Felix's arm, and Felix sits up all the way, tapping his cheek with an expectant expression. The other shakes his head in embarrassed amusement and leaves a kiss on his round cheek. Hyunjin loves it all, he really does._

_They're so beautiful apart, and even more so together. Even in this violent world, he is fortunate enough to find this oasis. As he thinks this, the front door opens and he turns to look, but is blinded by the light._

It takes time for Hyunjin to recover, but no more than normal. He's fine, physically, soon enough. But those green eyes belonging to the girl with the Cheshire smile keep mixing with Felix's brown ones as he is brutally murdered. It's not like it was in cold blood. Hyunjin completely understands why the scarred girl did it, and especially the way she did. This did not stop him, however, from killing her slowly when she was unfortunate enough to stumble into his hunting grounds all alone. He will easily admit to the numerous, pointlessly-sliced tendons, the gruesomely removed eye, the crushed fingers, the plans he so sweetly crooned into her ear as she writhed in her own blood, vomit, and urine. Hyunjin does not see the point in sugar coating the way he tied her wrists, slammed his fist over and over into her ribs and listened to the cracks, dug his nails into her skin just to keep the levels of pain varied, or even the tears that he wept into her purple-dyed hair when he kicked her onto her stomach and slowly severed her spinal cord- All under the watchful lenses of the cameras.

He really doesn't do this because of emotions fueled by Felix's death. He knows that the cameras love a good revenge story, though, and that they will remember Felix, perhaps as well as he does. He cries as he ends it because he is tired of being out so late, he just wants to curl in bed and wish it all away.

The supplies they received from that match were amazing.

Changbin's tight embrace when he returned home in the dead of night, covered in far too many bodily fluids, was more important than those.

Grittiness, Hyunjin knows, is what they want. But when he returns to hunting after the green-eyed girl, he cannot bring himself to bring out anywhere near that level of pure violence. He is exhausted. It all hurts. That's not new but it feels it more than ever. Each day that has passed since they lost Felix, and then Changbin, and Seungmin, and then Minho, he feels it more. Hyunjin is being drained of all his energy. His matches are reduced to him picking off weak lone wolves, which bring in the barest of supplies. It's been perhaps ten months since Felix has died, seven since Changbin, five since Seungmin, and probably around the same for Minho. He knows he's stopped counting.

Hyunjin chews on his bottom lip, and looks at Felix. Dark spots cover his eyes the longer he stares, but it's hard to look away. He misses him too much and sometimes he wants this terribly good vision of his to rot away the same way his humanity did long ago. He hardly understands the concept of it. Hyunjin just knows that he feels something like it when he's with his family. The family that becomes smaller and smaller.

Each loss hurts. His eyes hurt because he keeps staring. He listens, instead, for oncoming threats. Felix is stunning in the sky, just as stunning as Changbin is. Hyunjin's bruised gaze slides over to the older where he rests, faded to the background, but still very present. It's like the two can never leave each other's sides, and he loves that about them. It comforts Hyunjin, knowing that even if he is alone, they are together. There is that one good in this world, and his breaths leave his lips heavily as he thinks it. His head twitches to the side when he hears rustling, but he also hears two familiar sets of footsteps and does not move. Jisung's hand rests on his shoulder, and Woojin pats his head.

"Anything happen today?" Jisung asks curiously, bending down to pick up the bloodied knife that lays by Hyunjin's hand. He shrugs.

"Two easy matches. We'll probably get some toiletries out of it."

"That's it? Are you still not feeling well?" Woojin's fingers tug up the hem of his shirt, and trail against the angry pink skin. It's working on becoming a scar. Hyunjin doesn't mind that. The eldest eyes him but drops the shirt, inspecting a rough cut near the corner of his eye, "Do you want me to take care of that when we're home?"

"I think we're running out of salve," Jisung speaks up worriedly, wiping at his face. He probably doesn't realize, but he wipes at a smeared bloody hand print that is there. Hyunjin sees the way the blood he accidentally removes is powdery on his palm. It's probably from one of his earlier matches of the day. Since losing half the team, they have no choice but to send almost everyone out to find matches. It's risky but their supplies are more and more limited. There's not much they can do about it, and Hyunjin's fingers tug at his bottom lip.

"If we get more today, then," Woojin decides, offering him a smile. He weakly returns it. He can see a spark in Woojin's eyes. He's sure he has the same one. Jeongin has it, too. Jisung and Chan are lucky to still have each other, at least. Even though Chan is losing the team, the family he built with his own hands, and Jisung is losing every dear friend he has ever made, they still have someone to sincerely cling to, and to indulge in, when they need it. He sighs and looks away from them both, inspecting his bloodied nail beds. He wants to wash his hands. Changbin hated it when he kept blood on him too long.

"Well, we'll leave you to it," Jisung says, but Hyunjin feels the hair stand up on the back of his neck before there is a prick in his arm and he hears Woojin say sorry as his eyes close and he tips over.

_Hyunjin groans, stretching out on the couch. His muscles burn- He's been recovering for what, two or three weeks now and he still feels this bad? His match had gone poorly, and he barely won in the end. Sure, Hyunjin has been closer to death than that, much closer, but his opponent had been significantly larger and heavier than him, so each hit had terrible power behind it. The scolding he had gotten from both Chan and Changbin rung in his ears for ages after, but he's getting better and that's what matters. He smiles at the sunlight that bathes his face. It's a smile that's not quite a smile, it has an edge to it that he thinks people would call hysterical. Crazy. He whispers,_

_"Not time to join you yet, Felix."_

_Felix doesn't answer, and Minho scoffs from the chair across from him._

_"You're going to make them think you lost it," He says it lightly, sarcastically. Hyunjin hears the worry that drips from each syllable but when he looks up, the older is reading his novel with a neutral expression. Only when he flicks his eyes up does Minho smile, and he puffs air into his cheeks before he speaks again, "What? You really will. That would be a shame."_

_"You really sound convincing, hyung," Hyunjin rolls his eyes and stands, moving to the kitchen. Everything, from the cabinets to the appliances to the lights, are more dated than anything else in the place they call home. His bare feet stick to the floor and he glances down. Blood, "Ugh, did Jeongin really not clean up when he got back?"_

_"He told Seungmin to do it," Minho replies, "Speaking of, looks like he's home."_

_Hyunjin nods distractedly, shuffling through their fridge. It's filled with a mix of medical supplies, poisons, and edibles. They're all mixed together despite the order that Changbin tries to keep it in, but luckily none of them are stupid enough to mistake one thing for another- Excluding that time so long ago that Felix almost downed some sort of pill you were supposed to crush and blow into your opponent's face instead of the painkillers he wanted to. The memory quirks a smile at Hyunjin's lips but it is just as quickly erased. His eyes see brain splattered all over the place and he swallows thickly, grabbing an old loaf of bread. Seungmin has been trying to save it for the next time they received jam, but Hyunjin is pretty sure it will mold at this rate and he's not about to let perfectly good food go bad. He tosses it on the counter just as the younger stumbles through the door. Chan exits from the shower, toweling his hair._

_"Hey Seungm- Seungmin?" He asks with a tight voice. It puts Hyunjin on guard and he faces his friend. He immediately sees the haunted expression. Chan moves closer, his muscles tense, "Minnie, what's wrong?"_

_"Changbin hyung," He whispers, and something inside of Hyunjin's heart snaps at the broken quality to it, "Changbin hyung."_

_Hyunjin learns in broken sentences the way Changbin's life ended with a surprise arrow to the throat._

It's not the first time Woojin has done something like that. It's normally under Chan's command, and it's not like Hyunjin is the only one he's done it to. It sort of comes with being one of Chan's kids, he supposes. Hyunjin wakes up three days later, much better rested and feeling more clear-headed than he has in months. His side still hurts, though he doesn't admit that when anyone asks. Woojin and Jisung both apologize when he comes to, and it reminds him of the way Woojin and Seungmin apologized the last time they double-teamed him like that. He accepts it and later throws a needle at Chan. It sticks in his palm but the leader shrugs and says he doesn't blame him. In fact, he smiles and asks how Hyunjin feels as he tugs it carelessly out of his hand.

"I'm feeling pretty good."

He is, and that's why he heads out later that day. It's clear Chan is exhausted, clinging to Jisung even more than usual. The circles under his eyes are more than dark, they sincerely look like bruises and it's hard to look at. No one wants to lose their leader because he's tired, emotionally and physically, so much like Seungmin used to be, Hyunjin forces Chan to stay in bed and leaves, armed with nothing more than his knife again. It's his weapon of choice. Woojin and Jeongin are already both out hunting, so Jisung also lingers back and Hyunjin goes it alone. He's always preferred that over hunting in pairs, so he is comfortable. The first boy he encounters has wide doe eyes and an undercut. He watches him for a while. While not new, he certainly is not a pro at this either. Hyunjin nods to himself and slides behind the stranger, hardly breathing as he approaches. Each step is fluid, calculated, and he is right behind the boy before he is noticed.

It's too late, and Hyunjin crashes his elbow again the back of his head.

The match begins.

Doe-eyes stumbles forward, swearing loudly as he reaches for something in his belt. He does not give him the chance, slipping the knife out of his sleeve with the flick of his wrist and effortlessly catching it between his fingers. He swings it in the same movement. The blade slices the boy's left wrist and Hyunjin licks his lips as he quickly steps to the side, aiming the heel of the boot at the side of his knee. It connects and the boy crumbles, shrieking in agony. He does not waste time in diving forward, driving the knife into Doe-eyes' right shoulder while his hand comes to trap his opponent's injured one.

His knee presses between his ribs and he wheezes. Hyunjin snarls, ripping the knife out. Before the boy can manage to say anything, he slams his forehead into his nose, and he feels the break. He feels a leg start to rise and wrap around his lower back, so Hyunjin draws his fist back and swings it. The rings on his fingers leave behind a nasty cut, and the leg leaves him to kick on the ground. He wraps his hands around his opponent's neck, thumbs pressing against this throat. Doe-eyes continues to struggle beneath him, squirming and attempting to buck him off. Hyunjin breathes heavily, eyes narrowing. The knife is trapped between his palm and his opponent's throat, so he increases the pressure with his left hand and with the right, readjusts his grip on the handle and drives it straight into his eye.

There is blood and gore but it's a mess Hyunjin is used to. He stands above his dead opponent, chest heaving. As always, he puts the knife in his belt loop and moves on along. One kill and perhaps three hours until the sun begins to set. Hyunjin needs to contribute more, because he has no idea how successful Woojin and Jeongin have been today.

He aches. Every step is agony as he drags himself away. Hyunjin chews on his bottom lip and runs a hand through his hair. A shiver chills Hyunjin but before he can figure out what is wrong, a sickening pain runs through him and he stumbles backwards. He looks down and can only see blood blossoming on his clothing.

" _Oh_ ," Hyunjin murmurs, mouth drying as he falls. His eyes find the sky, and he sees Felix and Changbin sitting over him. Waiting. He smiles just a bit, because this hurts like hell. His blood is pulsing between his own fingers, pouring out but he's going to finally join them. After so many years of this torture, he's going to be free. After so many months, he can join them. But as his vision darkens around the edges, the sky above him flickers to show a series of green numbers and his heart drops, "No, _no_ -"

Hyunjin dies with the realization that he has been looking at a fake sky.

**Author's Note:**

> (I do want to make it clear that pretty much every relationship in this fic, from romantic to platonic, is very unhealthy, dangerously co-dependent, and should not at all be romanticized or idealized. While perhaps a bit understandable from the circumstances, it doesn't change their core unhealthy aspects.)


End file.
